How is it that I can finally surrender to God my desires and come out of it feeling like I've been on the most amazing, fun, rollercoaster of all times....unbelievably frightening, certainly crazy, but with a giant smile on my face....feels like the Rockin Roller Coaster at MGM Studios!
In the last few weeks, I've had to surrender to my Lord my strong desire to be primarily at home, my desire to care for my grandchildren on an unlimited basis, my desire to go for a run each and every morning, my desire to control my own schedule of when to shower, dress, work, do laundry, do yardwork, etc. etc. I've had to, in doing so, deeply change my sister's life, causing her pain and significant inconvenience. I've had to tell my pastor I'm not available any more to serve in a capacity I thought Jesus wanted.
I cried, I prayed, I pleaded, I got angry...I fussed some more, I wept, I agonized...I was miserable. Then I did my Bible Study. Once again, HE knew what I needed to study, what lesson I needed to prepare to teach.
The Rich Young Ruler. So together, so spiritual, so helpful, so right. One thing more to do, Jesus said....sell everything, and follow me.
It wasn't all about the money, it was about what defined that rich young ruler. His success, his plans, his dreams...all he had become.
Can I give up this part of me that defines who I am? Can I give up who I thought I was?
Jesus said "with man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible"
So this last week, I went back to work full time for the first time in 31 years. My husband and I had to tell my dear, sweet, sister that her job was being taken by me. My dear, sweet sister needed to file for unemployment. My dear, sweet sister is so sweet. She has no anger at us, she is worried about me. My older, much wiser sister, so willing to give up all. She is so far ahead of me in understanding surrender.
But, I am learning. I am surrendering. I am choosing to take HIS hand in mine, and let him lead me on this new journey.
Know what? I had fun. I had frustrations, I had to readjust my body, I ran behind in my schedule, I got my son to school late. I made mistakes. However, I took that step and rode the roller coaster. It was terrifiying. But I came off the ride smiling, not puking. I'm gonna keep riding. And with my hand in my Saviors, the impossible will be possible. I will surrender.
I love having Jesus the driver of my life. I'm sorry Lord for wanting to drive myself. Please be my driver. Take me on the roller coaster ride you intended. Now I'm soaring.
